Avoiding unwelcome levels of intimacy

Sometimes office geography and timing conspire against you. The 10:30 recess bell in my mind went off today and so I headed out to where we office dwellers go for recess, the restroom down the hall. It's in the hall outside our office and there's nothing else down that hall - no place else to pretend I was going when who should come around the corner into that same hall but my editor, who was immediately in the same situation.

My editor is a real good guy, nice to old ladies and doesn't litter and all that, plus isn't even an idiot, contrary to one of the characteristics of editors that we reporters generally consider as given. But he could be Mother Teresa for all I care, I still had no interest whatsoever in riding shotgun while he dropped his kids off at the pool, or vice versa. (Actually, given her interesting life and the fact that she's now dead, there would probably be enough novelty value in sharing a restroom visit with Mother Teresa to overlook this particular personal rule if the situation presents itself.)

I was in the lead position walking in which gave me the choice - continue on the course nature was demanding in the hope he had a more efficient task in mind for himself and would thus be departing shortly, or switch to that track myself even though there was no particular biological urgency, and risk having to perform some kind of disturbing pantomime or sound effect in order to avoid looking like that just happens to be a place that I like to go stand with my zipper open around brunch-time.

Neither was a good option, so I chose to attempt an evasive maneuver that you may want to jot down for your own future use: The Ol' Pretend You Spilled Something On Your Hands That You Only Need To Wash Off. It takes skill to accomplish, though, because if you overplay it you risk inspiring questions, and of course if you have to lie about it you become a bad person. The key is to head right to the sink and rinse just a bit longer than usual with, if it appears necessary, a vague comment about the dangers of shaken carbonated sodas.

It's part of this game to never know if you won, but I think my improv skills carried the day. Those of you making your livings outside the office environment or unafflicted by this particular neurosis may not spend a whole lot of time considering this important aspect of social interaction, but for those of you who need the addendum to your own office's procedures manual, I would encourage you to study this useful guide.